Fatherhood

In a cabinet in the kitchen is where we keep all our spices. Half of the bottom shelf is taken up by a myriad of spices jars: nutmeg, paprika, cayenne pepper, cinnamon and so on. When one opens the cabinet door, the blended aromas of the spices wafts out. I rather love that smell. Sometimes I'll open and close the door a few times just to get hit in the face with that scent that is somehow unique every single time. Being a father, I've found, is somewhat akin to that. That may sound a little strange, but bear with me. Caedon is the same little boy who came home with us from the hospital three weeks ago and yet, he's not. I come home from work each day eager to see him and hold him. Much like the same spices can conjure a different smell each time the cabinet door is opened, every time I hold him, each time I watch him sleep or look around the room with his baby curiosity is somehow special and different than all the other times before.

He's changed in the three weeks we've had him at home. He's filled out a little and has lost some of the awkwardness that newborns have. As we move around the room, he's begun to follow us with his eyes, not necessarily recognizing us yet, but noticing the movement. His hair is getting lighter and he's much more alert and awake more often than he was even a week ago.

When I hold him, I wonder what kind of man he will become. Will I be able to be a good father and raise him in a way that is pleasing to God? Will he be a servant of Jesus? Will he be intelligent? Athletic? Ornery? Will he give us fits like Nick and I gave mom and dad? If there's any justice in the universe, then this last one is a definate yes.

Becoming a father is not some magical rite of passage that leaves one a changed individual. To be sure, life changes. There is no other relationship outside of the parent/child relationship in which one is so totally and completely dependent upon the other. Our main focus is Caedon. His needs are paramount to our own needs and desires. His sleep and his comfort are more important than our own. While becoming a father has not been an epiphany, it has made me think more about the parent/child relationship we humans have with God. We are totally dependent upon Him. Knowing the love I have for my son, I cannot even begin to fathom the depths of love God has for us. I pray that God will help me be equal to the responsibility of being a good father and role model for Caedon.